Cooking

[evilhippo]

So, in my various cooking adventures so far this year, I have learned to make (from scratch) bread, cakes, cookies, fishes, squid, various and sundry improv sushi, some pretty fantastic improv oven crisps, curry, lots of various "I don't feel like cooking" things like potato/cornchip/Dorito-breaded chicken fingers, pasta caseroles, roasts, mashed potatoes, kale soup, sweet potato soup... I'm pretty good with a grill, I managed to make pretentious cornish game hens for Thanksgiving, I rock at pumpkin pie... But tonight I was defeated. Tonight... I was defeated by hamburgers.

I cannot make hamburgers.

I cannot describe the shame of being defeated by hamburgers. I am sitting here, eating what is now kind of like hamburger helper over alphabet noodles. Because I could not get hamburgers to stay hamburgers. It's not bad, but... how can I not make hamburgers?! I mean, inept/lazy bachelors whose subsistence comes almost entirely from bags and cans can make hamburgers. Where did I go wrong?

... I think maybe I'll just sit here and be proud that I've been cooking for myself for well over six months and this is the first time I've resorted to hamburgers.

Omg I can't make hamburgers what is wrong with me?!


Er... hey guys look! The president hit his head on his helicopter! I'll just be over here... reevaluating my entire culinary existence.

Comments

[shichahn.livejournal.com]

What... what was wrong with them that caused you to admit defeat? D:

[evilhippo.livejournal.com]

They were in no way burger-shaped. It ended up just being ground beef by the time I was done.

[shichahn.livejournal.com]

Huh. Admittedly I've never made hamburgers because I don't like them, but Angela made them a couple times while we were in Walla Walla. I think if you make the patties thick enough and then wait until it's well-done on one side before flipping them, it should be okay?

My mom just walked by and glanced at the screen and suggested that you could put oatmeal in with the meat to glue it together a little. And that maybe your ground beef that you started with was too lean.

[evilhippo.livejournal.com]

Oatmeal, eh? I never would've thought of that. (My mom suggested bread crumbs... I was thinking rice.)

I always get impatient when it comes to turning things, so I imagine that was probably the biggest part of my downfall here. Maybe I'll try making burgers again in another six months or so, next time I randomly have a craving for ground beef. (-;

[sketchyheart.livejournal.com]

(Yessssss. I have never made them myself, but I have seen my mom and dad make them a lot of times. They use bread crumbs and eggs, I believe. I believe..)

Silly, silly hamburgers. `w`(\

[evilhippo.livejournal.com]

Eggs! Yes, now I remember that part.

[zolac-no-miko.livejournal.com]

The greatest difficulty I had with it was that, because they were so thick, it's difficult to cook them all the way through, and I have to try not to cut them into pieces while I'm checking the middle.

...Not wishing to compound your fail today, that link doesn't go to the right article, but in fact goes to some article written in 2007. You want this one. ^_^

[zolac-no-miko.livejournal.com]

...Seriously, though, how does that qualify as news? *eyeroll*

[evilhippo.livejournal.com]

Curse you, missing quotation mark! I'm actually surprised that it still led to something...

I've always had a hard time not cutting burgers up while they're on the grill to check them. I think I inherited my mom's fear of undercooking ground beef. But these ones... they didn't even cohere long enough to be flipped more than once. I think maybe the beef was too lean. I'm not used to paying attention to such things. I just pick meat that looks good relative to the other choices I have available. (-;

[lisiche.livejournal.com]

I'm going to be the lone crying member of the shame brigade simply because I mastered the art of the grill many a year ago. XD

[evilhippo.livejournal.com]

Grills make everything crazy-easier. I think if I hadn't been standing there watching the pseudo-burgers sitting in the pan oozing in their own grease I wouldn't have kept flipping/destroying them going "Oh, ew, be done! Ew! Grease!"

[linen.livejournal.com]

Hamburgers are evil, I think. I know your defeat by their greasy hands and have experienced it personally. I cannot, for the life of me, make a good burger. And lord knows I've tried.

[edit] Oops, premature posting. (Don't they make a drug for that?)

Anyway. I've tried all the tricks in the book to making hamburgers the correct way - breadcrumbs, eggs, what have you, and while the meat always tastes delicious, they NEVER look like hamburgers. The size is all wrong and you have to put like three on a bun to feel like you're eating a proper burger. And then it just falls apart when you eat it.

Point being, I can make the best turkey soup in the world, but I cannot make a hamburger. I feel your pain.

[evilhippo.livejournal.com]

Yes! The purpose of the internet is that you are never alone. This makes me feel much better.

Unfortunately, all these suggestions make me want to get more ground beef and learn to do this properly. I think perhaps I'll wait until it stays warm out and bring out the grill.

[linen.livejournal.com]

I WISH YOU GOOD LUCK. Because SOMEONE has to be able to cook hamburgers, dammit.