evilhippo: hippo (95 [doom])
( May. 7th, 2010 06:40 pm)
To Those Who Predict the Weather,

IS IT REALLY THAT HARD??? I mean, seriously, I even checked the radar this morning and the whole of downtown was entirely green and there was supposedly more on the way, so I went "Okay, I'll keep my bike at home, as much as this delicious post-storm morning would be fantastic for biking."

Has it rained a drop since about 6 this morning? No! In fact, it was sunny most of the afternoon. I have three weather apps on my iPod. All of them agreed that it was going to rain on me today on my way to work and on the way back. They even had the direction of the wind wrong. Both of these are... very observable. How is this possible? I know we screw things up when we're looking ten days in advance, but an hour or two? Really? I just really, really needed a way to run my energy out today. Between people threatening not only to quit, but to undo all the work they've done (a very miserable prospect for my future) and my bosses blaming me/making me tidy up things other people screwed up all afternoon...

I'd go outside and blow off some steam, except now it's raining. Sigh.

Guess it's time for me to start on a weather machine.
- evilhippo
Dear New York Times,

You are scaring me lately. First it was the article on xkcd publishing a book through an obscure company (which, I mean, every webcomic artist does that. Really.) Then it was the ridiculously fawning travel article about Portland a few days ago (goshdarnit I need to go visit people over there.) And today... there's this. It even involves a picture of Obama photoshopped as a Vulcan.

As someone newly empowered with a nifty wireless device that lets me read you before I even get out of bed in the morning, you can see why this sort of thing is a real concern. See, you're kind of important, and it unnerves me when you cross the line into what looks like fandom. (Very little looks more like fandom than that editorial. Eesh.) Your job is to provide me news. I have other places to find unnerving photoshopped images, and I'm afraid if you continue on like this, you are going to do worse things to me than make me want to move to Brooklyn (which you are seriously responsible for, by the way, by being all "Artisans! Handmade foods! And all your bands live here, you know! There are entire buildings encouraging nothing but jazz musicians to live in them. I bet you'd like it here.") Don't make me feel like my geekishness is validated! I don't know what to do when that happens.

I still love you, though, you ailing bastion of the liberal media elite. I'm sorry I don't pay to read you.

- [livejournal.com profile] evilhippo

P.S. Yes, I know if I actually read the news, and not the opinion columns and travel and food sections, I probably wouldn't have this problem. But the economy is so boring.
evilhippo: hippo (71 [o rly?])
( Apr. 29th, 2009 07:53 pm)
Dear Job,

I am writing this knowing that by putting it into words I'm making it less likely to happen, but that is a risk I am going to have to take. Job, if you cause me to catch swine flu, I am going to laugh. I am going to laugh through the pain and misery. Hard. Personally, I would prefer that the risk that a co-worker's girlfriend is likely to have it scares my boss enough to have him quarantine the office and have us all work from home for a while, but I also know that, since I was only sick once this winter, in a very minor way, cruel irony is likely to make me one of the predicted 100 or so cases in Cook County. I even have experience at being an unlikely carrier in minor flu-like outbreaks. I'm an excellent candidate.

But seriously, though, if I catch the swine flu, it's going to be really funny. It'd basically be the best thing work has even given me.


P.S. It's true, I'm not sure how sarcastic I'm being here, and how much I'm telling the truth.
evilhippo: hippo (4 [stfu])
( Feb. 21st, 2009 03:52 pm)
Dear People's Gas,


I hate you,

P.S. I only have a stove in here for you to look at, since the meter is my landlord's business. I'm sorry the lady above me freaked out about a gas leak a few days ago and tried to blame it on me, but really, I'd just like to be left alone down here, so if you could at least make this a reasonable process rather than making my only course of action the $89 home inspection (which I am not paying for, by the way), things would be a lot easier, and less angry.

P.P.S. (Monday) I hope I can trust that e-mail you sent me this morning. If you shut off my gas I'm going to be very annoyed.
evilhippo: hippo (113 [Surprise Raptor])
( Feb. 1st, 2009 12:49 pm)
All right, Smoke Alarm. This is your third or fourth strike. The oven being on does not mean a fire, and I'm beginning to resent the fact that everyone in this building must think I'm the worst cook ever. I mean, things don't even smell of burning before you go off. I nearly set a bagel on fire a few years ago without setting an alarm off. I mean, sure, we set the alarm off a bit at my last apartment, too, but there was actual smoke involved. And it wasn't on average once every few weeks.

It looks like you've been there since the 80s. My oven is no spring chicken, either. You'd think I could trust that the two of you would know each other well enough by now to work together, rather than sending me sprinting across the kitchen when my chicken tenders have been in the oven for a mere five minutes. Some of the tortilla chip breading may have fallen off and turned dark brown, but that's hardly a fire. Maybe you just thought it was too hot in here or something. But you'll need to take that up with the radiators, not me.

I appreciate you alerting me to even the slightest pollution of my kitchen air, but I have house plants for that, and... just don't do it again this month, okay? Because I'm jumping when my music changes now thanks to you, and I don't want that to happen again anytime soon.
evilhippo: hippo (1 [me])
( Apr. 17th, 2008 11:04 pm)
All right, world. Here's the deal. I'm about to go to sleep. Now, before I do, I want to lay down a few suggestions for tomorrow, because there've been an awful lot of complaints about the way you've been working lately, and not all of them have been from me.

Stop. making. people. miserable. This mostly applies, at the moment, to people I know, including myself, who you've been doing your darnedest to drive up the wall. It's not very nice, and we don't appreciate it. At the least, stop torturing them, because it makes me feel worse. We need a break. You've kept us locked up in a miserable winter for the past too-many months, and now that it's bright out, things suck and we're all depressed and can't enjoy it. You're godmodding us to keep up your stupid angst plot, and quite honestly, it's really bad writing. The tone has no meaning if you don't give it a break, especially since we all know how the story ends anyway. It's not like making us unhappy is original or anything.

Anyway, that's all I ask. If you're feeling really ambitious, maybe you can work on making all the other people I don't know less miserable, too, so I have fewer scowling faces to look at on the bus/train/streets. But really, as long as you stop torturing a few of us, I think your reviews will improve greatly and I might not have to fire you.

[livejournal.com profile] evilhippo
evilhippo: hippo (27 [help])
( Oct. 15th, 2007 11:50 pm)
Dear Illinois State Legislature:

Re: The CTA, and How it Sucks Already

It has come to my attention that you are being a buttface about transit funding. Stop it. Seriously. Because if you keep up this game of chicken, they are going to cut THREE OF THE FOUR BUSES OUT OF MY NEIGHBORHOOD. And that includes ALL of the useful ones, and most painfully the ones that both [livejournal.com profile] deathscytheheck and I use to get back and forth to work. (They're cutting the Division. The Chicago would drop me off with a nice sketchy two-block walk. That means if I still have my current job in January when the second round of cuts comes, I will have no non-scary way to get back to my apartment. In the dark. Which is somewhere very high on the list of Things A Single Somewhat Skinny White Girl Should Not Do In A City. And even if I have a normal job, heaven forbid it be somewhere other than downtown because OH, I WON'T BE ABLE TO GET THERE.) This is, frankly, absolutely unacceptable, and both you and the dastardly CTA can expect real proper letters from me sometime in the near future. They will probably be soaked with tears, and I might leave them outside in the rain and burn the edges a bit, too, since THE RED LINE DIDN'T TELL ME IT WAS REROUTED TONIGHT AND I ENDED UP A MILE OUT OF MY WAY AND OH, THE 70 DECIDED TO TAKE A BREAK AFTER I GOT ON IT AND SO IT TOOK ME AN HOUR LONGER THAN IT SHOULD HAVE FOR ME TO GET HOME AND OH, WAIT, THIS IS NORMAL. So I hope you understand why, since things are bad already, I would prefer very much that they not get worse.

[livejournal.com profile] evilhippo

P.S. I notice you're only cutting about 20 buses. Why are three of them in my neighborhood? Why do you hate Humboldt Park? It's been improving, goshdarnit, and there are actual hipsters that get off the bus after I do. Do you want to turn us all into goths and emos? Because I swear that'll happen if you take our transit away. And I'll bet goths and emos don't pay for buses and trains. I bet they cry on them, and paint them black and cover them in spikes and sack Rome.
evilhippo: hippo (39 [evil])
( Oct. 6th, 2007 12:42 am)
I've been meaning to say this for a while, and since I'm feeling somewhat tetchy tonight, but just in a general way, I will just post it now.

Dear Everyone Who Told Me That the Name on My Diploma Would Get Me a Job, So I Shouldn't Worry,

Two words, guys. Screw. You. (Not that I believed you in the first place, but now I have four months of proof, and an e-mail that tells me I'm not even qualified for data entry provided it's in a nice building and downtown.)

That is all.

Bitter at every last person who uttered or implied that,
[livejournal.com profile] evilhippo

P.S. Now that that's off my back, I'd like the detective agency job, or the preschool job. Either of those would be cool.
evilhippo: hippo (57 [glare])
( Aug. 29th, 2007 01:20 pm)
Dear People That Live Above Me,

If you do not stop pacing in the largest, heaviest shoes in the world, or playing squash, or training an army of kitchen-attack ferrets, or creating a devious furniture maze of doom or whatever you're doing up there, I am going to go outside my apartment, stand on the porch, and... and... I don't know what I'll do, but it'll be annoying. I'd take a broom and pound on the ceiling to show my displeasure if I didn't think it'd probably fall in on me. This has been going on for a day now. Surely you have something better to do. You've been quiet all summer. What is going on up there?

And if I find out you're the same people who caused the chicken to be imprisoned, there will be doubly much annoyance.

No ♥
[livejournal.com profile] evilhippo
evilhippo: hippo (11 [shh])
( May. 3rd, 2007 01:28 pm)
Dear World,

I'm used to you being mean to me. I've even kind of accepted it, since you seem to take joy in throwing extra obstacles in my path. But it's completely unfair of you to be mean to dogs, too.

Frustrated and Betrayed,

(Someday I will get around to posting an entry that actually has some relevance that isn't vague and kind of weird but omg so much is going on at once and my brain is going to slide out of my ears soon.)
evilhippo: hippo (40 [ellipses])
( Mar. 19th, 2007 02:14 am)
Dear Lee Adama,

You. Are a buttface.

Buttface. Buttface McButtface Jerkpants.

How dare you.

evilhippo: hippo (34 [sleepy])
( Mar. 8th, 2007 07:55 pm)
Dear English Language,

Why... why do you have to make my life more difficult? I have a lovely argument for my paper here that says Viola's choice of Cesario as her sexless (meaning neither male nor female) alter-ego is evidence of her careful tricks of language. To prove it, I need to be able to say that Cesario can be seen as a reference to Caesarian birth, bypassing the vagina, making it a reference to her adopting a male (though eunuch) persona. According to the OED's usage notes on Caesarian, I am off by a decade for that definition. A DECADE! A freaking decade! It's not fair! It's such an interesting point. (Okay, it's total BS, but it takes up space and sounds good.) Screw you, English!


Minus fifty ♥s,

P.S. This is a public entry. Should I have used "hoo-ha" instead of vagina to protect innocence?

P.P.S. (Completely Unrelated) How many more Starbuck icons do you think there are on LJ now since Sunday? I'd bet on at least a 20% increase. I'm seeing them in the most random of places.
Dearest Me,

It dost not please me to vex you again so soon, dear self, with letters,
but methinks it would not be forward of me to suggest
when thou findst thyself in repose, thou shouldst voyage not in thy mind
to the realm of dreaming whilst thy thought persists in poetic measure.
Tis not a habit befits one of two and twenty in writing natural
much less in subconscious venture.

Do think upon this, self, afore thou nap'st next,
else fair insanity's hand upon thy head shall alight
ne'er sparing thee her plunder nor her plight.

- Me

Nevermind that badly conjugated formal English != iambic pentameter. I've only had five hours of sleep today. And part of that was in meter, so it doesn't count.
evilhippo: hippo (61 [escapism])
( Feb. 7th, 2007 01:23 am)
Dear Self,

You are supposed to be rewriting your statement of purpose. I know this is annoying, since you basically need to rewrite the entire thing. "But I have no purpose," you say. "My only purpose is to write a BA. For fun." That's not going to take up two pages. Unless you use a really large font. And I'm pretty sure that's a faux pas. So you're just going to have to lie, aren't you? Because, let's face it, no one believes you that this is fun anyway. And the faculty people who are going to have to read this don't need to know that you're a masochist. Basically, only your adviser and preceptor need to know that. And I'm sure after this next coming revision (in which you will be writing the end at the beginning so you can get away with past tense for the rest of it) they will be very familiar with that fact. No one in their right mind would rewrite a BA three times.

Crap Crap Crappity Crap What Have You Gotten Yourself Into?,
Your Self.
evilhippo: hippo (37 [listening])
( Oct. 28th, 2006 05:48 pm)
Dearest Lunar,

I am reminded now why I really didn't like your subs. Whichever editor it is that thinks everything needs to be in slang needs to be bricked. It is seriously annoying. It's cool that the translator notices when things are in casual Japanese but holy. freaking. crap, mister/miss editor, please hold off on the random apostrophes and ain'ts until you know where they go. It just looks sloppy... and it annoys the crap out of me. Fansubs do not need to find new ways to annoy the crap out of me, because in the end it'll only drive me back to working for someone again in an attempt to fix it. Oh, and it adds nothing to the series to have it presented that way. I absolutely cannot decide whether I want to keep watching Ayakashi Ayashi because the subs are that bad. I mean, if you're gonna do something stylistic as an editor, you need to be conscious of what you're doing. And how stupid some lines sound when you mangle most of the words. And now I have no idea whether the stupid is the show's fault, or the subbers.

Freaking fansubs.

Pas d'amour,

And, to the world in general, anyone care to wean me off of my subtitling/translation/adaptation ideals? They seem to get in the way a lot, and at this rate if I don't haul myself off to start writing for TV, I'm going to end up trying to create some kind of über-pretentious fansub group for the purpose of eventually overthrowing the entire anime industry from the bottom up.
evilhippo: hippo (20 [lost])
( Sep. 30th, 2006 10:07 pm)
Dear (Clearly Atrophied) Brain,

Stop trying to cross House over with Scrubs and/or Grey's Anatomy just to annoy the muses.


P.S. Why the heck do I have muses for like, normal TV shows?! For seriously, if CSI: and my urge to write Grissom jumps in on this, I'm gonna have to run away from TV forever.

P.P.S. Discovering last night that at least one of the writer's for Grey's Anatomy writes blog entries that sound like mine... down to using freaking in the exact same way I do kind of amuses me, and makes me feel like I should be allowed to write for TV. Based on my use of freaking. Honest, it should be a valid reason.

P.P.P.S. While we're talking, brain... what was with that dream last night? Where on one side of a counter I could order Thai food, and on the other buy airplane tickets to some mythical place called "Thai" (which was apparently a stopover on the house trip to India), but couldn't order from either because I had no money?
evilhippo: hippo (79 [ponder])
( Sep. 22nd, 2006 01:20 pm)
Dear Computer,

I love you to death, but you have to understand that, as your master, I sometimes have to make a decision as to when it's best to put you out of your misery. I'm touched that you care so much about me, really I am, but there comes a point where the master has to pull the metaphorical plug (because you're a laptop with a battery, and the physical one won't do the trick). Seeing you in pain like this is making me sad, and you have my permission to just let go. Let the harddrive die. I appreciate your valiant efforts, but I promise I have everything essential to you backed up on your friend the external harddrive, and the brain transplant should be even more seamless than the brainwashing we did this summer. Trust me. You will come back stronger, better, faster. I've been working on my mad scientist cred, I know these things.

Much Love,
evilhippo: hippo (22 [well then])
( Jun. 6th, 2006 10:50 pm)
Dearest Guster,

I miss the congos! ;_; I miss them to the point that I've used an emoticon, which I never do in entries. Brian, dearie, I know they kill your hands, but I am selfish. I miss the congos. It's just not the same with normal drums, it really isn't. I know I didn't mind on Keep it Together much, but I think the drums in this are higher in the mix, and now it just sounds too normal. There were some hand-played drums on KiT, at least. Please bring back the hand-drums/interesting percussion, they are a large part of what I love you for.

Broken heart, sad face,
[livejournal.com profile] evilhippo

P.S. You're right, though, the video for One Man Wrecking Machine is cool, and the song itself makes me oddly nostalgic. Though not nearly as badly as Backyard did.

P.P.S. I'm an airhead. There they are in Lightning Rod. See, this is where a second listen comes in handy. Still. Too many songs with plain drums. In fact, I'm going with all but this song have stick-played drums. Psh, Brian. Who are you and what have you done with the Thunder God? Have you died and been replaced with a double? Are they trying to cover it up? You're the only one holding a pillow in the Lost and Gone Forever insert, omg! Tell me it isn't so!

Of course, this doesn't mean that it isn't worth giving Ganging Up on the Sun a listen (in fact, there you have a link for a streaming version of the entire album)... and this doesn't mean that I'm not looking forward to owning it come June 20th. When I will be home, and my worst stress will probably be popcorn-related. And I'm sure in time it will grow on me more. The album... not the popcorn. I don't think popcorn will ever grow on me.
evilhippo: hippo (19 [azkabam])
( Jun. 1st, 2006 01:37 pm)
Dear UofC English Department,

FORMS! MAKE SURE THEY AGREE WITH EACH OTHER WHEN IT COMES TO DUE DATES! Also, please to be updating your website properly (as in, in the past year) kthnx.

[livejournal.com profile] evilhippo

Also, something really needs to be done about my inability to figure out how to address e-mails to people. Not the using the proper e-mail address part (though we all know I've done that, too), but the "Dear..." part. I never know what to put when two people need to get the same e-mail. Grr. And now I'm freaking out because the form itself says "by June 1", which means something quite a bit different than what the e-mails say, which is "before June 1". Really, can't I worry about other things right now? Like the 40 pages of stuff I have due next week? (I might as well be writing a BA right now anyway.)


evilhippo: hippo (Default)


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