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Sometimes all it takes to cheer you up is a nice shower and some time to think. Heh, I wish it was that simple. But I am a lot calmer now... which will be good tomorrow afternoon when I try to e-mail my TA and ask him about my paper (I decided to ask him first, rather than going over his head, because that felt evil and disrespectful of me). It's just been all these tiny little frustrating things that have just been piling up this quarter. I mean, right now I'm looking at being lucky at getting a B in Core-freakin-Bio, and I'll probably get a B in Hum, just by the averages of my papers right now (unless I do unusuall well on this past one, which I won't, because if any of my papers this quarter deserved a B it was probably this one. Dull and ininspired... which probably means it'll get a C or something). I'll most likely get a B+ in Calc (unless I somehow miraculously do beautifully on the final and the rest of the homework, as well as the challenge problems) and I might be lucky enough to get an A- in Drama, but I imagine it'll be a B+, too. I think if I was thinking normally right now, I'd chalk this up to just tough grading, since this is supposed to be a "good" school and all that (dining aside). But I am so used to some kind of positive reinforcement. I mean, if I put time into my work in high school, I would get a good grade. Now, I put time into things, and get back nothing. Nothing! And that is tough on you mentally, no one can tell me otherwise. Maybe I need to find my stride or something. I don't know. Right now I am honestly floudering... lost. I know I'm a good writer. I've been told my entire life that I'm a good writer (was I wrong to listen? why does this school make me question this??)... I've got (and this is a trite thing to bring up but I will anyway) tests to back it up. I love to write, and the one thing this school is doing right now is tearing that whole world down around me by basically telling me that I suck. I can accept wholeheartedly that there are people here that write oodles better than I do (one of them's in my Hum class, and I have an honest ton of respect for him. He's a super-cool person... only talks when he needs to. Good sort of person in my book)... but it certainly isn't fifty-freakin-percent! Especially considering the papers I've read in Hum from last quarter, and the paper I peer edited was in no possible way better than mine. I don't see why a proper "opinion" is more important than style or even content. It's the whole freakin' quality thing magnified billions of times and skewed in a completely horrible direction. The whole thing is like trying to play DDR on a broken pad, or running with the Red Queen, or some other bizarre metaphor that has roughly the same meaning as beating your head against the wall only less violent, and more about not having any positive reinforcement. (And yes, I realize that is a bit of a run-on sentence. But that and three "awkward" phrases does not consitute losing three points when there are only 25 to be had, darnit!).
Oh see, there, I've done it. I'm going to have to back up and explain this whole ridiculous, ludicrous thing now. OK, so the basic thing is... remember that gosh-darned awful Bio paper I was writing two weeks ago? Yeah, the one I did pretty decently on the rough draft on? That I was actually rather proud of? Uh-huh. Well, I fixed all the things my TA complained about the best I could... and he took off a total of 7 points from my final draft for absolutely silly things that he didn't even mention before. Now, I'd be perfectly prepared to accept this if I didn't think it was alll that good to start with... I realize the paper deserved at most a B, but he took points off for my style, and it was freaking little things. I mean, because he thought a "the" should be at the beginning of a phrase, or a comma belonged somewhere else... if you are going to be a grammar nazi, freakin' LEARN GRAMMAR. OK... so the paper's only worth 25 points... but it's actually 15% of my grade. Between that and my not-so-great quiz scores (averaging around 26/30), I'm pretty thoroughly screwed (since I know my TA won't give my any points for "participation," even though I'm always in discussion and I do occasionally add things). And of all ways to get screwed, I am not about to get screwed by some third year Bio student's grammatical sensibilites. My Hum professors have never ever had a problem with my style. Do you have a problem with my style? Is it that awkward? Is it because I use weird words? Is it because sometimes I vary my sentence structure a little unusually? Is it that hard to realize that I talk like this, too... it's just the way I am. Like my "random inexplicable accent (now with even more 'hmm, sort of British')". I happen to think it's fun to randomly pick up styles here and there that I happen to like, and use them. And I so totally kept that in check in that paper. I mean, if I wanted to I could've written the whole freakin' thing like The Raven, or in iambic pentameter, or like Watson. Why does it matter if it's the same content? What kind of voice are you reading my paper through, anyway? It obviously isn't mine. I cannot take criticism seriously from someone who can't even pronounce... oh, I can't even remember what word it was, but it was absolutely ridiculous. I mean, it wasn't even one of those Bio terms that everyone pronounces differently. It was something along the lines of pronouncing meme like mem rather then meem, even though any Bio person who knows anything would know that it rhymes with gene, because that's what Dawkins intended/meant/implied. And anyway, science people are expected not to know how to write. They shouldn't take it upon themselves to try to teach others to write... because it's like taking the bizarre "my opinion is fact, but we will argue about it" ridiculousness of the Humanities and having it applied by a bunch of people that generally try to live in a world of logic. It's incompatible that way. Write so you get your freakin' point across, losers. It doesn't matter that one scientist likes to write his studies like a story, while the other likes to sound obtuse and academic. Tone is moot. It's all about content. Or at least, it should be as far as sciences go. I mean, alright, you can't write your position paper for Core Bio like a song or Alice in Wonderland or something, but anything within the realm of academia, even if it could be considered vaguely British or Canadian academia should fly quite well. I don't understand this nitpicking. And I definitely don't understand why it gets me a freakin' 61% on the paper. 61%s are for people who didn't cite anything and didn't have a thesis and didn't back up their points. Didn't have points. I... I just don't understand it. And I realize that rather quickly, that lack of understanding turned into a pretty big hate of how I've been graded here. It's just so frustrating sometimes. If maybe they'd just tell us exactly what it is they want for me, I'm sure... certain I could give it to them. But when you leave someone to their own devices, you've got to expect someone to give you things in their own style, something unique... and you absolutely cannot punish them for that. It's not right. I beg for a creative writing class. I beg for a chance to be able to write what I want. Not some obtuse analysis of poetry. Not some dumbed-down opinion article where I regurgitate facts about Biology and try to "take a stand" where no matter what you say it sounds contrived because everyone has said something like it before, but yet they still want to you be unique. I am not the sort to sit around in my papers rehashing what's already been said, which is apparently what gets me into trouble. (I think I'm now onto the thing that lost me the second largest number of points). Maybe about three times in the margins, there is written "more, explain." Well.. fine. Tell me why that has to be explained, huh?? I mean, if you get the more advanced material that I'm talking about now, why do I have to go back and prove that I also know what it's based on? Not only is it redundant, it's useless and obvious. USELESS. If I say 9 times 9 is 81, do I have to tell you that I also know that 9 + 9 + 9 + 9 + 9 + 9 + 9 + 9 + 9 is also 9?? And if I don't, do I fail calculus??? And the first time through the paper, what he wanted explained more, I did go back and explain. I added probably a freakin page of explanation to my paper. If he wanted more than that, he should have written it on the rough draft when he graded it, or else he can't change his mind halfway through like that. I mean.... GAH!
It's getting late, this is getting long, and I think I've pretty much lost my real line here and I'm basically rambling. Which comes as no surprise, naturally. But this is good, I really needed to vent. Hopefully I can wake up tomorrow now and forgive everyone, write a nice polite e-mail to my TA asking him why he took so many points off my paper... and get this all sorted out. I won't run out of any rooms crying (though I felt like it, and quite nearly did). I won't throw things. I won't scream and yell and threaten to burn down the school. If I don't do anything about this though, I'll end up just sublimating my frustration, and one day it's all gonna go at once. And then I'll get myself into trouble, and really tick people off. I am too quiet sometimes. Le sigh. Guess it's just a character flaw. We've all got 'em, n'est-ce pas? I know at least now I'm going to be using reading period and most of finals writing papers and trying to get things right this time. It's not like I'm just screaming and complaining and then refusing to fix things or whatnot. I'm going to take my time and do it right, because I know during reading period and finals week, I will have time to take my time and do things right. And if after that, I'm still getting screwed over on grades... who knows. But I'd like to think that I can still prove myself to these people. Right?
Hopefully a bit of sleep will do this tired me some good, non? I think I'll stretch a bit, listen to my new mix CD, try to cheer meself up, and have some good dreams for a change. (And anyone who looked at that meself more than once thinking it was a typo is exactly the type of person this world needs less of right now. Hehehe. Tis my style buddy, archaic and weird as it may be!) As a proud member of CCEL (Cecil, the Centre for the Conservation of the English Language) I challenge you to question my useage! Go ahead, see if I don't fight back. I see you giggling behind that curtain of yours, world. Yeah. Go ahead. I know all of your tricks, ya savvy?
Oh see, there, I've done it. I'm going to have to back up and explain this whole ridiculous, ludicrous thing now. OK, so the basic thing is... remember that gosh-darned awful Bio paper I was writing two weeks ago? Yeah, the one I did pretty decently on the rough draft on? That I was actually rather proud of? Uh-huh. Well, I fixed all the things my TA complained about the best I could... and he took off a total of 7 points from my final draft for absolutely silly things that he didn't even mention before. Now, I'd be perfectly prepared to accept this if I didn't think it was alll that good to start with... I realize the paper deserved at most a B, but he took points off for my style, and it was freaking little things. I mean, because he thought a "the" should be at the beginning of a phrase, or a comma belonged somewhere else... if you are going to be a grammar nazi, freakin' LEARN GRAMMAR. OK... so the paper's only worth 25 points... but it's actually 15% of my grade. Between that and my not-so-great quiz scores (averaging around 26/30), I'm pretty thoroughly screwed (since I know my TA won't give my any points for "participation," even though I'm always in discussion and I do occasionally add things). And of all ways to get screwed, I am not about to get screwed by some third year Bio student's grammatical sensibilites. My Hum professors have never ever had a problem with my style. Do you have a problem with my style? Is it that awkward? Is it because I use weird words? Is it because sometimes I vary my sentence structure a little unusually? Is it that hard to realize that I talk like this, too... it's just the way I am. Like my "random inexplicable accent (now with even more 'hmm, sort of British')". I happen to think it's fun to randomly pick up styles here and there that I happen to like, and use them. And I so totally kept that in check in that paper. I mean, if I wanted to I could've written the whole freakin' thing like The Raven, or in iambic pentameter, or like Watson. Why does it matter if it's the same content? What kind of voice are you reading my paper through, anyway? It obviously isn't mine. I cannot take criticism seriously from someone who can't even pronounce... oh, I can't even remember what word it was, but it was absolutely ridiculous. I mean, it wasn't even one of those Bio terms that everyone pronounces differently. It was something along the lines of pronouncing meme like mem rather then meem, even though any Bio person who knows anything would know that it rhymes with gene, because that's what Dawkins intended/meant/implied. And anyway, science people are expected not to know how to write. They shouldn't take it upon themselves to try to teach others to write... because it's like taking the bizarre "my opinion is fact, but we will argue about it" ridiculousness of the Humanities and having it applied by a bunch of people that generally try to live in a world of logic. It's incompatible that way. Write so you get your freakin' point across, losers. It doesn't matter that one scientist likes to write his studies like a story, while the other likes to sound obtuse and academic. Tone is moot. It's all about content. Or at least, it should be as far as sciences go. I mean, alright, you can't write your position paper for Core Bio like a song or Alice in Wonderland or something, but anything within the realm of academia, even if it could be considered vaguely British or Canadian academia should fly quite well. I don't understand this nitpicking. And I definitely don't understand why it gets me a freakin' 61% on the paper. 61%s are for people who didn't cite anything and didn't have a thesis and didn't back up their points. Didn't have points. I... I just don't understand it. And I realize that rather quickly, that lack of understanding turned into a pretty big hate of how I've been graded here. It's just so frustrating sometimes. If maybe they'd just tell us exactly what it is they want for me, I'm sure... certain I could give it to them. But when you leave someone to their own devices, you've got to expect someone to give you things in their own style, something unique... and you absolutely cannot punish them for that. It's not right. I beg for a creative writing class. I beg for a chance to be able to write what I want. Not some obtuse analysis of poetry. Not some dumbed-down opinion article where I regurgitate facts about Biology and try to "take a stand" where no matter what you say it sounds contrived because everyone has said something like it before, but yet they still want to you be unique. I am not the sort to sit around in my papers rehashing what's already been said, which is apparently what gets me into trouble. (I think I'm now onto the thing that lost me the second largest number of points). Maybe about three times in the margins, there is written "more, explain." Well.. fine. Tell me why that has to be explained, huh?? I mean, if you get the more advanced material that I'm talking about now, why do I have to go back and prove that I also know what it's based on? Not only is it redundant, it's useless and obvious. USELESS. If I say 9 times 9 is 81, do I have to tell you that I also know that 9 + 9 + 9 + 9 + 9 + 9 + 9 + 9 + 9 is also 9?? And if I don't, do I fail calculus??? And the first time through the paper, what he wanted explained more, I did go back and explain. I added probably a freakin page of explanation to my paper. If he wanted more than that, he should have written it on the rough draft when he graded it, or else he can't change his mind halfway through like that. I mean.... GAH!
It's getting late, this is getting long, and I think I've pretty much lost my real line here and I'm basically rambling. Which comes as no surprise, naturally. But this is good, I really needed to vent. Hopefully I can wake up tomorrow now and forgive everyone, write a nice polite e-mail to my TA asking him why he took so many points off my paper... and get this all sorted out. I won't run out of any rooms crying (though I felt like it, and quite nearly did). I won't throw things. I won't scream and yell and threaten to burn down the school. If I don't do anything about this though, I'll end up just sublimating my frustration, and one day it's all gonna go at once. And then I'll get myself into trouble, and really tick people off. I am too quiet sometimes. Le sigh. Guess it's just a character flaw. We've all got 'em, n'est-ce pas? I know at least now I'm going to be using reading period and most of finals writing papers and trying to get things right this time. It's not like I'm just screaming and complaining and then refusing to fix things or whatnot. I'm going to take my time and do it right, because I know during reading period and finals week, I will have time to take my time and do things right. And if after that, I'm still getting screwed over on grades... who knows. But I'd like to think that I can still prove myself to these people. Right?
Hopefully a bit of sleep will do this tired me some good, non? I think I'll stretch a bit, listen to my new mix CD, try to cheer meself up, and have some good dreams for a change. (And anyone who looked at that meself more than once thinking it was a typo is exactly the type of person this world needs less of right now. Hehehe. Tis my style buddy, archaic and weird as it may be!) As a proud member of CCEL (Cecil, the Centre for the Conservation of the English Language) I challenge you to question my useage! Go ahead, see if I don't fight back. I see you giggling behind that curtain of yours, world. Yeah. Go ahead. I know all of your tricks, ya savvy?
