Miserable Failures and Talentless Hacks?

[evilhippo]

So... I'm sitting in Harper again, trying to look official by not using the actual livejournal website. Woo me. I've got way too much stuff to do tonight. I had way too much stuff to do today. I am beat. Got up this morning, wrote the rest of my performance review in a hurry for drama today. Went to Bio, took a lot of notes, went to lunch, read and re-read by lines for Antigone, went to drama, managed not to lose my voice but still forgot one of my lines after my partner forgot one of hers. Didn't get my artistic sensibilites handed back to me slaughtered this time though, which is an improvement. I got chastized a bit for not making eye contact (who heard that all last year in drama? and the year before? yeah. you'd think I'd do something about that eventually? Nooo). And anyway, eye contact is hard with people you don't know. Then I had track. And as per usual this week, I was exhausted. We did run-throughs and scissor kicks and backovers and my legs felt like they were going to fall off because everything hurts worse when you're sick. Then we watched some film from last weekend (I didn't suck so bad as usual!) and ended up making fun of each other. And now we've all got nicknames... Molases runs up to the bar too slowly, Walter Peyton... umm.. I have no idea why we call her that, Spaz isn't consistant in her approach, I can't remember the nickname for the one who kicks like a fish, because it was really weird... and then there's me. I'm Drive-By, because I run up to the bar and don't jump, then go back and do it again. OK, so it was funny at the time!

And now I'm gonna sit here for a bit more, then put my computer away (if I can fit it back in my bookbag with my workout clothes and all the fruit I stole from the dining hall) and work on calc for a bit. Then I'm going to my problem session, where I'm going to sit there and write down all the answers again (hooray for problem session!) Aaaand then I'm going to go back to the dorm after catching the trusty 8:30 D-bus and I'm gonna read DuBois for a few hours and then write my response paper, which will be total BS because the question is "What do you think the true purpose of the musical passages at the beginning of each chapter represents?" or something of the sort, and there is no real proper answer to that. I'm better at the total BS ones, though. For some reason, if I don't take it seriously I have a lot easier time coming up with support for my ideas. And I feel like I'm allowed to form an opinion. For some reason, in all my other papers I can never really take a stand on anything. Heh, I wrote a position paper for Bio that took no position whatsoever (unfortunately, the TA noticed so I have to come up with a new thesis before I turn in the final draft. I still managed a 4/5 on the rough draft though, which means "I would've accepted it as a final draft and given it a decent grade," while most of the rest of the class got 3s or so. So I guess I did other things right. Goshdarnit, why the heck is my particular Hum class so full of good writers?? Under normal cirucumstances, I can pass for "fairly good." What the heck? Maybe the graders just don't like me or something. Hehe, I love the vendetta excuse. So overused. I got a B because the teacher hated me, darnit! Whoa... still parenthesis. I'd better stop that.)

Well... now it's almost 7. I am still bored. I am still sitting in Harper (because obviously I am not walking around campus typing on my computer, because I'd have to find a way to levitate it in front of me, and that would be hard, and mostly useless, and people would think I was weird). It really echos when you cough in here. I also accidentally still had the sound on when I turned this on, too. I hate it when that happens. At least I was in the corner, so no one knew it was me specifically. When people can actually turn and glare at me it makes me nervous. People in general make me nervous. People here make me more nervous than most. But I've noticed this quarter I've gotten a lot more used to them. It still really freaking bothers me though, when people sit around at dinner and such and do all that intellectual bragging. And it bothers me even more when people sit around and say things like "Yeah, I applied to Harvard and Yale and Cornell, but since I didn't get in I had to settle for this" or "This was my ninth-choice school, I should've gone to Rutgers." Goshdarnit people shut up... what about people like me that were really freaking happy just to get in here? You know how stupid that makes me feel? Sure, I know there are a lot of people here that wanted to go to the Ivies but decided not to or whatever stupid reason they had. But you don't have to tell me every day, and it certainly doesn't make you better than me. Sure, I'm in the middle, but despite all my complaining, I'm happy. You don't have to make me feel stupid to make yourself feel better, do you?

Hmm... that's a bit more rambling than I had planned (and it's directed at no one in particular, but people were posturing again today at dinner and though I wasn't directly involved it really freakin' annoyed me). So now all of a sudden it's ten-after... not really worth it to get out my calc and work on it. I hope we do a lot of the problems at problem session then, because I don't want to have to put in another hour of work on everything else tonight. I've got to get to bed before midnight. Or maybe caffeine will decide to start working again tomorrow morning. Gah!

Comments

Re: but but but

[evilhippo.livejournal.com]

Me? Brilliant? I am expected by my family to be brilliant... I have been told that I am brilliant. It's all propaganda. But then it comes down to comparing yourself to these people here, and all of a sudden you feel woefully inadequate. Then you realize they're a bunch of fluffy-feathered sillies who are trying to look better than they are. And then you realize it makes them look really stupid, and you wonder why they bother, because we're all here, aren't we? But that's not good enough. I guess that's what you get from those silly hyper-competative suburbs we have. Gosh darn America! Right... I'm going to continue to be bitter about people here in general, because they've also been looking down at my roomie for wanting to transfer out and go to (Heaven forbid!) a state school because she's not happy here. We were talking about the massive pride issue here... egad are we all fragile emotionally when it comes to our status here. I bet there's some interesting psychological research to be done here. We all like to believe that we are basically going to an Ivy League school, but whenever anyone challenges it, we all get offended. I think I am totally going against my point in my entry now. But I am fickle like that. And I'm just rambling. So...

Of course I'm too good for those other schools! They would've had to raise their standards to let me in, and that's why they didn't! (-:

"A machine? That's really not for me to say it's like asking me if I'm brilliant or inspiring." (I knew that question made me remember something strange like that.)

Re: but but but

[antipixie.livejournal.com]

What about a non-ivy, non-preppy, goofy school like Rhodes? We've got our share of intellectual snobbery, not to mention ditzy rich sorority girls and drunken idiot frat boys, but we've also got an Anime club with 30 people in it. So in other words, there's a lot of self-proclaimed nerds over here. And if you transferred early enough, you'd even get to meet and go to school with ME! ::Grin:: Including getting drives around the South and access to the bitchy feminist cat what lives in my apartment. 'Magine that.

-Rae/SidneyTMCA

Re: but but but

[evilhippo.livejournal.com]

Hmm... perhaps there is some sort of university umm... Triforce is obivously not the word I should use here, but I am going to use it anyway. There is the Ivy/Preppiness/Intellectual Snobbery, the drunken frat boys and snobbish rich sorority girls, and the general silliness. Right now, from where I stand, the UofC has a giant IPIS side, a smallish (but completely obvious and unavoidable) DFBaSRSG side, and a terribly shrunken and negletcted Silliness side, except for some rare weekends when people are inspired to randomly play music in the elevators and such (that unfortunately due to some newly-developed drinking issues I fear will never happen again). What we need is a balance. Or to be lopsided in a better way. Of course, knowing full-well that this is a very "niche-y" (as opposed to Nietszche) school, I think I need to get past this first-year stuff and find the silly people, and change the Triforce from my perspective to a more respectable Lots of Silly, Bits of Intellectual Ivy Pretention, and Very Little Frat-Boy Drunkeness. (I wonder what a Nietszche university would be like... would we listen to Wagner? Would it be based on young-Nietzsche or old-Nietzsche? Would we get syphilis?) Though... perhaps transferring to Rhodes for a year would be fun. ::smiles insanely:: I could join the Anime club without fear of being associated with "that really annoying Asian kid that yells at the TV a lot" (and also without making him terribly happy that I "finally watch Anime!").

"And if you transferred early enough, you'd even get to meet and go to school with ME!" ::snickers:: And this sounds so much like an advertising pitch... hehehe. And if you call in the next fifteen minutes you get free pastries and a life-sized cardboard cut-out of the Pope! Only you and feminist cats are cooler than pastries and the Pope.