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A Severe Annoyance: A Play In Three Acts (Also: In Which Evilhippo Loses Several Stare-Downs Against Inanimate Objects)
ACT I:
AUTHOR SELF-INSERT enters her apartment and drops her bag on the floor of her somewhat messy room.
IMPERATIVE BEEP
(Off-stage)
BEEP!
AUTHOR SELF-INSERT sighs and picks up her rechargeable batteries.
AUTHOR SELF-INSERT
All right, fine. I will fix you.
AUTHOR SELF-INSERT gingerly prods at the CO2 detector outside the door to her room, afraid of somehow setting it off. She finally pries the faceplate off.
IMPERATIVE BEEP
BEEP!
AUTHOR SELF-INSERT jumps and looks at the CO2 detector accusingly. She pries the batteries out and replaces them with her rechargeable batteries. Upon inserting the third battery, it screeches a near-deafening screech. Author self-insert nearly knocks the alarm off the wall and, in so doing, discovers that it isn't permanently affixed. She removes the detector to her bedroom, puts it underneath all her covers, and puts in the third battery. Feeling accomplished, she returns the CO2 detector to its spot on the wall and writes herself a note to remember to put normal batteries in it before moving out.
ACT II
AUTHOR SELF-INSERT is in the kitchen making some noodles for dinner because she's feeling lazy tonight.
IMPERATIVE BEEP
(in hallway)
BEEP!
Author Self-Insert does a double take.
AUTHOR SELF-INSERT
Freaking!... Are you serious?
Author Self-Insert takes her glass of grapefruit juice into the hallway and looks up at the smoke alarm.
AUTHOR SELF-INSERT stares up at the alarm.
SMOKE ALARM blinks its red light.
AUTHOR SELF-INSERT
staring up at the alarm
Look...
SMOKE ALARM blinks its red light.
AUTHOR SELF-INSERT
I promise I won't hold it against you if you beep.
SMOKE ALARM blinks its red light.
AUTHOR SELF-INSERT stares up at the alarm.
SMOKE ALARM blinks its red light.
AUTHOR SELF-INSERT
You and I both know this is you...
-- FIVE MINUTES LATER --
AUTHOR SELF-INSERT takes a sip of her juice and stares up at the SMOKE ALARM
IMPERATIVE BEEP
(down the hallway)
BEEP!
AUTHOR SELF-INSERT
FRIG!
AUTHOR SELF-INSERT moves down the hall and attempts to stare down the intercom.
AUTHOR SELF-INSERT
All right, what the heck?
INTERCOM is silent.
AUTHOR SELF-INSERT
Come on, you are the only electronic thing left in here.
INTERCOM is made of plastic.
AUTHOR SELF-INSERT taps her foot impatiently.
INTERCOM is inert.
AUTHOR SELF-INSERT sighs.
-- FIVE MINUTES LATER --
INTERCOM is still plastic.
AUTHOR SELF-INSERT is still staring at it.
IMPERATIVE BEEP
(elsewhere)
BEEP!
AUTHOR SELF-INSERT
Freaking crap what the crap!
AUTHOR SELF-INSERT gives up and eats her dinner.
ACT III:
AUTHOR SELF-INSERT
(Pacing the living room)
All right. So, I know the guy who last hid an annoyance device in my apartment hasn't been here for at least six months, so unless he's really clever... And he might be clever. I wonder if my roommate let him in.
IMPERATIVE BEEP
BEEP!
AUTHOR SELF-INSERT
There's nothing else in here that CAN beep. Argh. Fine, I'll stare down the CO2 detector. Again.
AUTHOR SELF-INSERT stares down the CO2 detector.
CO2 DETECTOR blinks its green light.
AUTHOR SELF-INSERT stares down the CO2 detector.
CO2 DETECTOR blinks its green light.
AUTHOR SELF-INSERT stares down the CO2 detector.
CO2 DETECTOR blinks its green light.
AUTHOR SELF-INSERT stares down the CO2 detector.
CO2 DETECTOR blinks its green light.
AUTHOR SELF-INSERT stares down the CO2 detector.
CO2 DETECTOR blinks its green light.
IMPERATIVE BEEP
(directly above)
BEEP!
AUTHOR SELF-INSERT looks up.
This is what she sees:
AUTHOR SELF-INSERT
FREAKING... WHERE THE HECK DID THIS EXTRA ALARM COME FROM?!
In conclusion: I have no idea what this thing detects, but if my lease didn't forbid vandalism of alarms, it'd be on my floor in pieces right now. Stupid 12-foot ceilings are stupid and my landlord had better be available to fix it soon.
ACT I:
AUTHOR SELF-INSERT enters her apartment and drops her bag on the floor of her somewhat messy room.
IMPERATIVE BEEP
(Off-stage)
BEEP!
AUTHOR SELF-INSERT sighs and picks up her rechargeable batteries.
AUTHOR SELF-INSERT
All right, fine. I will fix you.
AUTHOR SELF-INSERT gingerly prods at the CO2 detector outside the door to her room, afraid of somehow setting it off. She finally pries the faceplate off.
IMPERATIVE BEEP
BEEP!
AUTHOR SELF-INSERT jumps and looks at the CO2 detector accusingly. She pries the batteries out and replaces them with her rechargeable batteries. Upon inserting the third battery, it screeches a near-deafening screech. Author self-insert nearly knocks the alarm off the wall and, in so doing, discovers that it isn't permanently affixed. She removes the detector to her bedroom, puts it underneath all her covers, and puts in the third battery. Feeling accomplished, she returns the CO2 detector to its spot on the wall and writes herself a note to remember to put normal batteries in it before moving out.
ACT II
AUTHOR SELF-INSERT is in the kitchen making some noodles for dinner because she's feeling lazy tonight.
IMPERATIVE BEEP
(in hallway)
BEEP!
Author Self-Insert does a double take.
AUTHOR SELF-INSERT
Freaking!... Are you serious?
Author Self-Insert takes her glass of grapefruit juice into the hallway and looks up at the smoke alarm.
AUTHOR SELF-INSERT stares up at the alarm.
SMOKE ALARM blinks its red light.
AUTHOR SELF-INSERT
staring up at the alarm
Look...
SMOKE ALARM blinks its red light.
AUTHOR SELF-INSERT
I promise I won't hold it against you if you beep.
SMOKE ALARM blinks its red light.
AUTHOR SELF-INSERT stares up at the alarm.
SMOKE ALARM blinks its red light.
AUTHOR SELF-INSERT
You and I both know this is you...
-- FIVE MINUTES LATER --
AUTHOR SELF-INSERT takes a sip of her juice and stares up at the SMOKE ALARM
IMPERATIVE BEEP
(down the hallway)
BEEP!
AUTHOR SELF-INSERT
FRIG!
AUTHOR SELF-INSERT moves down the hall and attempts to stare down the intercom.
AUTHOR SELF-INSERT
All right, what the heck?
INTERCOM is silent.
AUTHOR SELF-INSERT
Come on, you are the only electronic thing left in here.
INTERCOM is made of plastic.
AUTHOR SELF-INSERT taps her foot impatiently.
INTERCOM is inert.
AUTHOR SELF-INSERT sighs.
-- FIVE MINUTES LATER --
INTERCOM is still plastic.
AUTHOR SELF-INSERT is still staring at it.
IMPERATIVE BEEP
(elsewhere)
BEEP!
AUTHOR SELF-INSERT
Freaking crap what the crap!
AUTHOR SELF-INSERT gives up and eats her dinner.
ACT III:
AUTHOR SELF-INSERT
(Pacing the living room)
All right. So, I know the guy who last hid an annoyance device in my apartment hasn't been here for at least six months, so unless he's really clever... And he might be clever. I wonder if my roommate let him in.
IMPERATIVE BEEP
BEEP!
AUTHOR SELF-INSERT
There's nothing else in here that CAN beep. Argh. Fine, I'll stare down the CO2 detector. Again.
AUTHOR SELF-INSERT stares down the CO2 detector.
CO2 DETECTOR blinks its green light.
AUTHOR SELF-INSERT stares down the CO2 detector.
CO2 DETECTOR blinks its green light.
AUTHOR SELF-INSERT stares down the CO2 detector.
CO2 DETECTOR blinks its green light.
AUTHOR SELF-INSERT stares down the CO2 detector.
CO2 DETECTOR blinks its green light.
AUTHOR SELF-INSERT stares down the CO2 detector.
CO2 DETECTOR blinks its green light.
IMPERATIVE BEEP
(directly above)
BEEP!
AUTHOR SELF-INSERT looks up.
This is what she sees:
AUTHOR SELF-INSERT
FREAKING... WHERE THE HECK DID THIS EXTRA ALARM COME FROM?!
In conclusion: I have no idea what this thing detects, but if my lease didn't forbid vandalism of alarms, it'd be on my floor in pieces right now. Stupid 12-foot ceilings are stupid and my landlord had better be available to fix it soon.
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