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I've been just generally frustrated today. Who knows why. I think it's all the stress. But I'm just sick of explaining what is going on, and who I am, where I'm coming from... and I'm frustrated with the world in general. Maybe I'm looking at it all wrong. Is it because of where I'm standing? Does it look different from some other spot, or maybe I'm colour-blind. So, maybe it would help if I explained where exactly it is that I'm standing, most of all to myself. Maybe if I understand that, other people will be able to see it too. Consider this a manifesto of sorts. Or some sort of political op ed, which I think it's going to turn into because that's the sort of mood I'm in.
First off, I'm an American. There is no denying that. I'm certainly not one of those flag-waving, Nascar-watching, "my country right or wrong" types. I occasionally wish I was Canadian, just because of how royally screwed up this country can act sometimes. They probably don't want to hear this, but they are a lot like us. Just a bit less arrogant and agressive, and perhaps with a better sense of humour. People here are always talking about how this is the only country where you can be truely free, but when you think of it, what of Canada? Australia? The UK? You don't even have to learn a second language. They may not have a booming economy, but who am I kidding? Is our economy booming right now, as much as the administration insists we're "recovering," it's sure going to be slow going until we prove that the world can look stable again. I also get accused of "yellow fever." I hate being stereotyped. I don't want to be Asian. Let's face it, they're just as screwed up as we are, possibly moreso. Japan has some great ideas, but I don't often wish I was Japanese. But there is definitely lots we can learn from them. They have been, afterall, one of the most adaptable coutnries in the world. They've been building on everything from everwhere else in Asia for centuries, and after we rebuilt them in the wake of World War II they took our ideas and applied them exactly as we said. Something we have yet to manage to do. They're using our capitalist system like we'd like to see it used. And many of us hate them for it, though we don't know that's the reason why. On top of that, they are the only country truely pushing technology today. Where do all our modern gadgets come from but Japan? We haven't done anything amazing technologically since our trip to the moon. And that was nearly 50 years ago! It is clear that we have not reached the limit of technology, so why have we stopped? There is still so much to discover, but so few people are trying. What is our government funding right now? Aside from a missile defense system that will never work in a million years thanks to those pesky laws of physics, and the latest thing I saw on the news tonight a fleet of helium balloons to patrol the coats. This is going to stop terrorism. I'd feel safer with a box of Pocky and a picture phone, thanks. We might not want to admit it, but we need to be a bit more like Canada and Japan. Both have their problems, of course, which is why we need to be like them, not be them. If we could combine the two with the finer parts of who we have been, and in a way still are, there's no reason we couldn't go on being a world power. I like to think I'm the sort of American that must have existed at some point, that used the opportunities to their advantage and tried to learn as much about the rest of the world as possible, and learn to be a part of it. Just because we're the last big military power doesn't mean we can stand alone, afterall. You have to think of the world as one giant community, where all the different countries are like individual people. The personality of a coutnry depends on who's running it, and generally the person running the country reflects the majority of people in the country, so that's fair enough (even if the country is currently wearing giant tacky cowoy boots). But once you've got this giant group of people, you've got to think of them dealing with each other. Think Real World on a larger scale. I don't care, whatever reality show you'd like to deny that you watch. Maybe Big Brother's a better one. What happens to the big bossy old guy? Either he gets voted off first, or he takes control and runs the game, but everyone wishes they'd voted him off first. He has power, but no one wants to listen to him or deal with his crazy stodgy ideas. Where are we standing right now? I think you can figure that out. We need to be smart and play the game properly. A situation where everyone gets along and things run well makes for bad ratings, and it's nearly impossible to achieve, but it's not a bad idea. Afterall, the only people watching the entire Earth spinning around are the sort that some semblance of cooperation anyway. Even if the strange-smelling perpetually angry kid that hides under the jungle gym throwing rocks at small animals decides to play a game of "I'm not touching you!" you can't kick him, or throw more rocks. Am I the only one who wonders why it doens't occur to more people that you can't fight fire with fire? You can't gain peace by more violence, no matter how much you crush your opponant. We are naturally fans of the underdogs, it's human nature. So when you're not the underdog, why is that so easily forgotten? You need to go find the group of kids in glasses next to the sandbox playing Dungeons and Dragons, and find a way to trick the kid into finding something better to do. I believe the intelligensia should rule, once they get their arrogance in check. What does the school bully do after school besdies shape up or find themselves in prison, anyway? It's the nerds that end up running things. I don't need to point to Bill Gates right now. I think the Ivy league should be torn down and rebuilt. Not the buildings, but the social ideas. For ages now, getting into one of the top institutions in the nation has been a totally political and social affair. With the right connections and relatives, you can go where ever you want. I still have no idea how I was lucky enough to end up at the University of Chicago with my education as well-funded as it is, but I consider myself amazingly lucky. I do, however, know exactly why I'm not at Columbia right now (and I don't think it's really because I might have left "I think I could contribute to the social diversity of Rochester" in one of my essays). Afterall, my SAT scores are at least higher than George W. Bush's were, and we all know he went to Yale. What good do elite institutions do us when they are for the social elite rather than the mental? Doesn't that debase them? Why are the names on the diploma so important when the names of the students are what gets them in? You know, I often wonder what happens to the people who are considered brilliant in school and always behave and try not to do anything wrong. Do they not really exist? Why do we never hear their story? Obviously it's got to be hard to keep yourself in line. But all we hear are the stories of people who have overcome their drug abuse and lives of rebellion to make it in the world. I can't help but wonder if this is perpetuating this way of living. It's accepted that you're supposed to rebel against everything at one point and "have some fun," and I guess I must be weird because I've never had the urge. The idea remains prevalent in the world that you can do this and recover to be great. Or that you can covertly continue to subvert the system and be a great person. Why do we encourage this? Do we not realize that we are encouraging this? True, it's oppressive to tell people not to be themselves, but that's something completely different. We've created a world where it's part of the game to embezzle and subvert. It's not against the law if you don't get caught. What sort of ideal is this? The game doens't work when it's part of the rules to break the rules. Then there are no rules, and there is no game. Just do what you want! There is no obligation! No exceptions or refunds. Until you're old enough to "know better." If you must, do. But if you know better, don't. Why waste your time if there's a chance you can mess everything up? Just because you know the way around doens't mean you need to exploit it. You should try to fix it. People in general are too motivated by personal gain. I bet this is a natural flaw, but we know it's there. Dont' make it an excuse, fix it. Obviously, "my car broke down and I can't make it to work" doesn't work for a month! You need to fix the car! But I've sort of lost my way here, and gone inspecific. I'm not aiming to complain about the human race in general, afterall. That's a useless task.
Though, this has reminded me about something else I have a semi-irrational dislike of. Because, as far as I can see, it operates on many of the same pricinples. I tend to believe that it's one of those things that was proven for one instance, and then assumed for all others. And too many people use it as a justification for their ruthlessness. Economics. Economics has made itself so evil. It justifies so much of what I really dislike about how things work in this country. The whole field just doens't make sense to me. It's math, used to analyze how people operate. Even if money is numbers, how people use it is not mathematical, no matter what. But since it works sometimes, people believe in it. As far as I'm concerned economics is a fairy tale of sorts. There are some places where it's needed. But it's gotten to the point where things are backwards. Instead of economics explaining why a large company has cut back their workers and moved to Mexico, it's justifying it. I suppose this is a logical extension... and a really bad example. Ignore that. What I really hate is not economics itself, but how it's used to justify taking the human element out of capitalism. Big business is by nature huge and impersonal, but it's worsened by the fact that every action can be justified somehow by a science based not on people, but math. The economy affects people, not numbers. Obviously there are people working to understand the human element, but not enough. I'd like to see all those genius econ majors at the UofC put their minds to making their science a bit more useful. I don't like to see it justifying people getting hurt and cheated. But if someone would like to explain this problem I have away, please do. I've had many people try to explain econ to me, but they have been the ones that have later argued with people at dinner about how morality doesn't fit into it. That's what's wrong. When working with people and the things that affect them, you have to figure in morals and consequences. It's not just numbers.
Back to explaining myself, now that I've been completely sidetracked. I realize that I'm a country girl at heart. Whether this has always been, or developed after fifth grade when I moved out here I don't think I'll ever know. I think sometime after I moved I lost track of myself, and only recently found it again. I suppose I could consider it a rather long identity crisis of sorts. I imagine everyone goes through this in a way, though. I personally have spent way too much time wondering who I was. That's not a question that can really be answered thoroughly, though we all try. And we come up with the most abstract ways of doing it, too. We describe people by how they dress, what they listen to and watch, who they like, how they vote, what they drive. I'm a blue jeans and babydoll t-shirt girl at all times, right now I'm listening to J-pop and techno video game theme remixes but I will always be an early-90s alternative girl, I only watch Jeopardy, the Simpsons, CSI, and Whose Line with any consistancy, my heart is reserved for a dorky programmer with a strange sense of humour who hasn't seen the light of day for more than a few months a year, I vote democrat though I wish I had a better choice because they're all wusses, and a love my poor old red 95 Grand Am with all my heart, even though it's nearing 200,000 miles. But what on earth does this say about me? It's the same as trying to analyze my dreams. All random things that can be put together pretty much any way you want, depending on your experiences. I am a bit of a hypocrite about this though, because I love to analyze all these things about people. I'm a sucker for stereotypes, though I love to see them broken. This explains a lot about a certain fascination I have with some people at college. I hate being stereotyped myself. One of my biggest pet peeves is when people make assumptions about me, whether they're right or wrong. I made it my mission for most of my elementary school years to prove that blondes are not all dumb. I was very concerned about this for quite a long time. I'm not sure when I realized that the people that matter know better and it's mostly jokes, but I think I eventually did. I'm still annoyed by the fact that because I am a girl, I often get patronized by guys working in computer stores. Just because I don't look the type. I hate people who judge so superficially, especially when I ask for something specific and they still act like I have no idea what I'm talking about. And I really hate the people I only recently found existed, that hate you if you take an interest in their culture, or if you happen to pick up bits of it. That, most of all, makes no sense to me. Can't we share? I'm not trying to be you. I feel, for whatever reason, like I've grown up without a culture. I get the impression that, outside of this country, what passes for our culture, or at least our creation, is fast food, big business, and an obsession with sports. None of these things interest me, so I've got to look elsewhere. And elsewhere is made by other people. I'm sorry for putting my dirty American toes in your pristine lake, but I promise I'm not going to drop my greasy freedom fries in. Some spots of your grass just look a bit greener. By nature I pick up things I like. You can even see it in my writing. I fell in love with the cadence of Douglas Adams' writing, and his vocabulary. Where else would the word "bit" appear from? And it's everhwere, I don't know if you notice it's weird or not. Then there's my Canadian spelling. The way I sound words out in a French accent more often than not. The fact that I try to eat ramen with chopsticks, but still eat my mom's stir fry with a fork. Lots of these things don't make a whole lot of sense if you're not me, but I sitll don't feel like I need to explain all of them in depth. That's another thing I hate. I don't need to justify myself to you. I don't want to explain my motives. I don't care about yours, and I don't know why, but don't think justifying yours to me is going to make me want to justify mine. I'm not the sort to sit around and figure out why someone would do something, I'm more concerned about the effects. And generally the effects can give a pretty clear picture of the motivation anyway, with a more productive outcome. By nature, I am subtle. And I get frustrated when people fail to see that and deal with it. Talking to people that don't get it feels like running repeatedly into a large brick wall, and I get frustrated quickly. People who are dense frusrate me more than anything. I also can't stand to have to cheer people up. Well, that's not true. When people who are close to me are down, I'm more than happy to try to cheer them up. In face, it makes me feel better. But people that complain about their problems all the time, and are always trying to prove that their life is worse than yours just bug the living heck out of me. Stop it! Deal with it on your own! I don't care that your father is disappointed in you because you chose to not do your work in school, I don't care if you said something stupid to your boyfriend if that is all you talk to me about. It depresses me, and I don't like to deal with it for you. I try to keep my problems to myself, but if I wanted to I think I could make my life look pretty bad. But I choose not to. I laugh at it. That's my nature. But I'm not allowed to laugh at your life. So don't share every little problem with me. I used to be a big believer in "treat others as you'd like to be treated." Ideally, it makes a lot of sense. But then you realize that there are people who like to be treated in a way that would really annoy you, and when they treat you that way, obviously it annoys you. That's the point where it breaks down. I'm starting to sound really cynical here, so I'm going to stop myself again and start in another place.
People need to be nicer to service employees. This is its own point, and it is very short. Be. nicer. to. people. working. minimum. wage. When people are mean to you when you work minimum wage, you feel justified later on to be mean to people working minimum wage. It's a horrible cycle. It is not fun to work for minimum wage. But we have no choice. Be nice.
This is going to be the angriest paragraph. This is the paragraph where I yell and scream about the creepy guys I meet, and complain about creepy guys in general. Actually, no. This is overdone. I'll just say, if someone could explain to me why 1) I seem easy to them and 2) why they do not leave me alone, I will be happy. I just want it to stop. I'm sick of it. I'm not looking. If it doens't stop, I don't care if it ruins my chances with ever other guy, I am going to tell people that I am a lesbian. The man I'll marry will understand, I'm sure. And I can play a decent lesbian. Afterall, some of my friends' parents thought I was one. I'm still amused by that. Also, I want to know why recently guys have been confiding their sexual frustration in me. This needs to stop. I do not want to know. Period. I don't care. I can't help you. Honestly. And I won't. Ever. Especially after you explain how sexually frustrated you are. I'm not sexually frustrated. Maybe you need to stop thinking about sex and learn to deal with other things. Maybe devote your time to learning how to not talk about how you are sexually frustated. I have about four or five guys in mind here. They don't read this though, as far as I know. Which is probably a good thing. But if you are, you know who you are. Reply anonymously and argue with me. I'm in the mood for it. Come on. Tell me how shocked and insulted you are. Dealing with people like you has made me very bitter. I hate being bitter, I hope you know. But I still have faith that someday I will meet my hybrid of John Linnell, Kakashi, Citan, Daniel Jackson, Spike Spiegel, Rivers, Billy the Blue Ranger, and Fox Mulder. Just you watch. And you'll all be jealous, and he will never tell me about how he's sexually frustrated. And I will be happy. And if this fantasy is never fufilled, I guess no one will have me. Darn. It's not like it's hard to fufill... there are probably at most three general stereotypes in that list, though I'd just consider it two. That's not too unrealistic. I mean... obviously my ideal mate won't have super powers. Unless I'm really lucky.
I continue to keep impossible goals for myself, and believe in my fantasies. I fail to see why this is a bad thing. If I never have to live in the so-called "real world," I'll be all the happier. I don't want to be an astronaut anymore, but I still want to be an author or an acrtess or some former nobody who somehow changed the world for the better. Maybe then they can tell the story of the smart girl who always tried to follow the rules. I don't expect people to understand me any more then, but maybe just accept me.
(It's pouring out now. It's all kind of cathartic, isn't it?)
First off, I'm an American. There is no denying that. I'm certainly not one of those flag-waving, Nascar-watching, "my country right or wrong" types. I occasionally wish I was Canadian, just because of how royally screwed up this country can act sometimes. They probably don't want to hear this, but they are a lot like us. Just a bit less arrogant and agressive, and perhaps with a better sense of humour. People here are always talking about how this is the only country where you can be truely free, but when you think of it, what of Canada? Australia? The UK? You don't even have to learn a second language. They may not have a booming economy, but who am I kidding? Is our economy booming right now, as much as the administration insists we're "recovering," it's sure going to be slow going until we prove that the world can look stable again. I also get accused of "yellow fever." I hate being stereotyped. I don't want to be Asian. Let's face it, they're just as screwed up as we are, possibly moreso. Japan has some great ideas, but I don't often wish I was Japanese. But there is definitely lots we can learn from them. They have been, afterall, one of the most adaptable coutnries in the world. They've been building on everything from everwhere else in Asia for centuries, and after we rebuilt them in the wake of World War II they took our ideas and applied them exactly as we said. Something we have yet to manage to do. They're using our capitalist system like we'd like to see it used. And many of us hate them for it, though we don't know that's the reason why. On top of that, they are the only country truely pushing technology today. Where do all our modern gadgets come from but Japan? We haven't done anything amazing technologically since our trip to the moon. And that was nearly 50 years ago! It is clear that we have not reached the limit of technology, so why have we stopped? There is still so much to discover, but so few people are trying. What is our government funding right now? Aside from a missile defense system that will never work in a million years thanks to those pesky laws of physics, and the latest thing I saw on the news tonight a fleet of helium balloons to patrol the coats. This is going to stop terrorism. I'd feel safer with a box of Pocky and a picture phone, thanks. We might not want to admit it, but we need to be a bit more like Canada and Japan. Both have their problems, of course, which is why we need to be like them, not be them. If we could combine the two with the finer parts of who we have been, and in a way still are, there's no reason we couldn't go on being a world power. I like to think I'm the sort of American that must have existed at some point, that used the opportunities to their advantage and tried to learn as much about the rest of the world as possible, and learn to be a part of it. Just because we're the last big military power doesn't mean we can stand alone, afterall. You have to think of the world as one giant community, where all the different countries are like individual people. The personality of a coutnry depends on who's running it, and generally the person running the country reflects the majority of people in the country, so that's fair enough (even if the country is currently wearing giant tacky cowoy boots). But once you've got this giant group of people, you've got to think of them dealing with each other. Think Real World on a larger scale. I don't care, whatever reality show you'd like to deny that you watch. Maybe Big Brother's a better one. What happens to the big bossy old guy? Either he gets voted off first, or he takes control and runs the game, but everyone wishes they'd voted him off first. He has power, but no one wants to listen to him or deal with his crazy stodgy ideas. Where are we standing right now? I think you can figure that out. We need to be smart and play the game properly. A situation where everyone gets along and things run well makes for bad ratings, and it's nearly impossible to achieve, but it's not a bad idea. Afterall, the only people watching the entire Earth spinning around are the sort that some semblance of cooperation anyway. Even if the strange-smelling perpetually angry kid that hides under the jungle gym throwing rocks at small animals decides to play a game of "I'm not touching you!" you can't kick him, or throw more rocks. Am I the only one who wonders why it doens't occur to more people that you can't fight fire with fire? You can't gain peace by more violence, no matter how much you crush your opponant. We are naturally fans of the underdogs, it's human nature. So when you're not the underdog, why is that so easily forgotten? You need to go find the group of kids in glasses next to the sandbox playing Dungeons and Dragons, and find a way to trick the kid into finding something better to do. I believe the intelligensia should rule, once they get their arrogance in check. What does the school bully do after school besdies shape up or find themselves in prison, anyway? It's the nerds that end up running things. I don't need to point to Bill Gates right now. I think the Ivy league should be torn down and rebuilt. Not the buildings, but the social ideas. For ages now, getting into one of the top institutions in the nation has been a totally political and social affair. With the right connections and relatives, you can go where ever you want. I still have no idea how I was lucky enough to end up at the University of Chicago with my education as well-funded as it is, but I consider myself amazingly lucky. I do, however, know exactly why I'm not at Columbia right now (and I don't think it's really because I might have left "I think I could contribute to the social diversity of Rochester" in one of my essays). Afterall, my SAT scores are at least higher than George W. Bush's were, and we all know he went to Yale. What good do elite institutions do us when they are for the social elite rather than the mental? Doesn't that debase them? Why are the names on the diploma so important when the names of the students are what gets them in? You know, I often wonder what happens to the people who are considered brilliant in school and always behave and try not to do anything wrong. Do they not really exist? Why do we never hear their story? Obviously it's got to be hard to keep yourself in line. But all we hear are the stories of people who have overcome their drug abuse and lives of rebellion to make it in the world. I can't help but wonder if this is perpetuating this way of living. It's accepted that you're supposed to rebel against everything at one point and "have some fun," and I guess I must be weird because I've never had the urge. The idea remains prevalent in the world that you can do this and recover to be great. Or that you can covertly continue to subvert the system and be a great person. Why do we encourage this? Do we not realize that we are encouraging this? True, it's oppressive to tell people not to be themselves, but that's something completely different. We've created a world where it's part of the game to embezzle and subvert. It's not against the law if you don't get caught. What sort of ideal is this? The game doens't work when it's part of the rules to break the rules. Then there are no rules, and there is no game. Just do what you want! There is no obligation! No exceptions or refunds. Until you're old enough to "know better." If you must, do. But if you know better, don't. Why waste your time if there's a chance you can mess everything up? Just because you know the way around doens't mean you need to exploit it. You should try to fix it. People in general are too motivated by personal gain. I bet this is a natural flaw, but we know it's there. Dont' make it an excuse, fix it. Obviously, "my car broke down and I can't make it to work" doesn't work for a month! You need to fix the car! But I've sort of lost my way here, and gone inspecific. I'm not aiming to complain about the human race in general, afterall. That's a useless task.
Though, this has reminded me about something else I have a semi-irrational dislike of. Because, as far as I can see, it operates on many of the same pricinples. I tend to believe that it's one of those things that was proven for one instance, and then assumed for all others. And too many people use it as a justification for their ruthlessness. Economics. Economics has made itself so evil. It justifies so much of what I really dislike about how things work in this country. The whole field just doens't make sense to me. It's math, used to analyze how people operate. Even if money is numbers, how people use it is not mathematical, no matter what. But since it works sometimes, people believe in it. As far as I'm concerned economics is a fairy tale of sorts. There are some places where it's needed. But it's gotten to the point where things are backwards. Instead of economics explaining why a large company has cut back their workers and moved to Mexico, it's justifying it. I suppose this is a logical extension... and a really bad example. Ignore that. What I really hate is not economics itself, but how it's used to justify taking the human element out of capitalism. Big business is by nature huge and impersonal, but it's worsened by the fact that every action can be justified somehow by a science based not on people, but math. The economy affects people, not numbers. Obviously there are people working to understand the human element, but not enough. I'd like to see all those genius econ majors at the UofC put their minds to making their science a bit more useful. I don't like to see it justifying people getting hurt and cheated. But if someone would like to explain this problem I have away, please do. I've had many people try to explain econ to me, but they have been the ones that have later argued with people at dinner about how morality doesn't fit into it. That's what's wrong. When working with people and the things that affect them, you have to figure in morals and consequences. It's not just numbers.
Back to explaining myself, now that I've been completely sidetracked. I realize that I'm a country girl at heart. Whether this has always been, or developed after fifth grade when I moved out here I don't think I'll ever know. I think sometime after I moved I lost track of myself, and only recently found it again. I suppose I could consider it a rather long identity crisis of sorts. I imagine everyone goes through this in a way, though. I personally have spent way too much time wondering who I was. That's not a question that can really be answered thoroughly, though we all try. And we come up with the most abstract ways of doing it, too. We describe people by how they dress, what they listen to and watch, who they like, how they vote, what they drive. I'm a blue jeans and babydoll t-shirt girl at all times, right now I'm listening to J-pop and techno video game theme remixes but I will always be an early-90s alternative girl, I only watch Jeopardy, the Simpsons, CSI, and Whose Line with any consistancy, my heart is reserved for a dorky programmer with a strange sense of humour who hasn't seen the light of day for more than a few months a year, I vote democrat though I wish I had a better choice because they're all wusses, and a love my poor old red 95 Grand Am with all my heart, even though it's nearing 200,000 miles. But what on earth does this say about me? It's the same as trying to analyze my dreams. All random things that can be put together pretty much any way you want, depending on your experiences. I am a bit of a hypocrite about this though, because I love to analyze all these things about people. I'm a sucker for stereotypes, though I love to see them broken. This explains a lot about a certain fascination I have with some people at college. I hate being stereotyped myself. One of my biggest pet peeves is when people make assumptions about me, whether they're right or wrong. I made it my mission for most of my elementary school years to prove that blondes are not all dumb. I was very concerned about this for quite a long time. I'm not sure when I realized that the people that matter know better and it's mostly jokes, but I think I eventually did. I'm still annoyed by the fact that because I am a girl, I often get patronized by guys working in computer stores. Just because I don't look the type. I hate people who judge so superficially, especially when I ask for something specific and they still act like I have no idea what I'm talking about. And I really hate the people I only recently found existed, that hate you if you take an interest in their culture, or if you happen to pick up bits of it. That, most of all, makes no sense to me. Can't we share? I'm not trying to be you. I feel, for whatever reason, like I've grown up without a culture. I get the impression that, outside of this country, what passes for our culture, or at least our creation, is fast food, big business, and an obsession with sports. None of these things interest me, so I've got to look elsewhere. And elsewhere is made by other people. I'm sorry for putting my dirty American toes in your pristine lake, but I promise I'm not going to drop my greasy freedom fries in. Some spots of your grass just look a bit greener. By nature I pick up things I like. You can even see it in my writing. I fell in love with the cadence of Douglas Adams' writing, and his vocabulary. Where else would the word "bit" appear from? And it's everhwere, I don't know if you notice it's weird or not. Then there's my Canadian spelling. The way I sound words out in a French accent more often than not. The fact that I try to eat ramen with chopsticks, but still eat my mom's stir fry with a fork. Lots of these things don't make a whole lot of sense if you're not me, but I sitll don't feel like I need to explain all of them in depth. That's another thing I hate. I don't need to justify myself to you. I don't want to explain my motives. I don't care about yours, and I don't know why, but don't think justifying yours to me is going to make me want to justify mine. I'm not the sort to sit around and figure out why someone would do something, I'm more concerned about the effects. And generally the effects can give a pretty clear picture of the motivation anyway, with a more productive outcome. By nature, I am subtle. And I get frustrated when people fail to see that and deal with it. Talking to people that don't get it feels like running repeatedly into a large brick wall, and I get frustrated quickly. People who are dense frusrate me more than anything. I also can't stand to have to cheer people up. Well, that's not true. When people who are close to me are down, I'm more than happy to try to cheer them up. In face, it makes me feel better. But people that complain about their problems all the time, and are always trying to prove that their life is worse than yours just bug the living heck out of me. Stop it! Deal with it on your own! I don't care that your father is disappointed in you because you chose to not do your work in school, I don't care if you said something stupid to your boyfriend if that is all you talk to me about. It depresses me, and I don't like to deal with it for you. I try to keep my problems to myself, but if I wanted to I think I could make my life look pretty bad. But I choose not to. I laugh at it. That's my nature. But I'm not allowed to laugh at your life. So don't share every little problem with me. I used to be a big believer in "treat others as you'd like to be treated." Ideally, it makes a lot of sense. But then you realize that there are people who like to be treated in a way that would really annoy you, and when they treat you that way, obviously it annoys you. That's the point where it breaks down. I'm starting to sound really cynical here, so I'm going to stop myself again and start in another place.
People need to be nicer to service employees. This is its own point, and it is very short. Be. nicer. to. people. working. minimum. wage. When people are mean to you when you work minimum wage, you feel justified later on to be mean to people working minimum wage. It's a horrible cycle. It is not fun to work for minimum wage. But we have no choice. Be nice.
This is going to be the angriest paragraph. This is the paragraph where I yell and scream about the creepy guys I meet, and complain about creepy guys in general. Actually, no. This is overdone. I'll just say, if someone could explain to me why 1) I seem easy to them and 2) why they do not leave me alone, I will be happy. I just want it to stop. I'm sick of it. I'm not looking. If it doens't stop, I don't care if it ruins my chances with ever other guy, I am going to tell people that I am a lesbian. The man I'll marry will understand, I'm sure. And I can play a decent lesbian. Afterall, some of my friends' parents thought I was one. I'm still amused by that. Also, I want to know why recently guys have been confiding their sexual frustration in me. This needs to stop. I do not want to know. Period. I don't care. I can't help you. Honestly. And I won't. Ever. Especially after you explain how sexually frustrated you are. I'm not sexually frustrated. Maybe you need to stop thinking about sex and learn to deal with other things. Maybe devote your time to learning how to not talk about how you are sexually frustated. I have about four or five guys in mind here. They don't read this though, as far as I know. Which is probably a good thing. But if you are, you know who you are. Reply anonymously and argue with me. I'm in the mood for it. Come on. Tell me how shocked and insulted you are. Dealing with people like you has made me very bitter. I hate being bitter, I hope you know. But I still have faith that someday I will meet my hybrid of John Linnell, Kakashi, Citan, Daniel Jackson, Spike Spiegel, Rivers, Billy the Blue Ranger, and Fox Mulder. Just you watch. And you'll all be jealous, and he will never tell me about how he's sexually frustrated. And I will be happy. And if this fantasy is never fufilled, I guess no one will have me. Darn. It's not like it's hard to fufill... there are probably at most three general stereotypes in that list, though I'd just consider it two. That's not too unrealistic. I mean... obviously my ideal mate won't have super powers. Unless I'm really lucky.
I continue to keep impossible goals for myself, and believe in my fantasies. I fail to see why this is a bad thing. If I never have to live in the so-called "real world," I'll be all the happier. I don't want to be an astronaut anymore, but I still want to be an author or an acrtess or some former nobody who somehow changed the world for the better. Maybe then they can tell the story of the smart girl who always tried to follow the rules. I don't expect people to understand me any more then, but maybe just accept me.
(It's pouring out now. It's all kind of cathartic, isn't it?)
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i'll say something more intelligent tomorrow, i think.
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