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Oh dear. I think I slept most of this evening... it might as well be the weekend, I think. I never ever have anything due on Friday or anything like that. I can't believe it's 11:30 already. I think doing the study break tonight made things go faster.
I had an absolutely horrible track practice today. After last weekend everything has just been thrown off completely, and I haven't even been able to make myself jump over the bar anymore, which is freakin' frustrating. It got to the point today that my coach just gave me an ultimatum... either I get my head back into it and start jumping again, or I'm going to be switched to long/triple jump. Under normal circumstances, this would be great. But with my shins like they are, it would be the worst idea ever, and I'd probably end up in the same predicament. The real problem being, I don't know how to make myself jump, because I don't know what's stopping me. I really don't want to have to leave the high jump, because my teammates are such great people... and the horizontal jumpers have to always train with the sprinters, which would tear me to shreds because I don't have the endurance or the speed, and our sprints coach has a habit of running people until they get stress fractures. Last thing in the world I want right now. Well... I might want the plague a little bit less, but not a whole lot.
Something really needs to be done about my feelings about people here. Every day I seem to just get more and more frustrated with them, and I can't justify it at all. They just seem to annoy me more. I don't know why. There are so many little tiny things that just grate my nerves. It makes me want to live someplace else alone for a week. This has nothing to do with my roomie, because she's just as good as ever, but this room more often than not has at least five people in it, usually arguing loudly about some ridiculous mundane intellectual point that they really don't know anything about. It's just silly, and sometimes I'm just sick of hearing it, I guess. I mean, today the Sick Asian was arguing about how they named the battles of the Civil War, after he had made it pretty clear that he knew very little about the Civil War. I am so sick of people trying to sound smart. Be smart, goshdarnit, and just let it be. You don't have to constantly prove yourself to everyone, do you? Nor do you have to justify to everyone on a weekly basis why you don't drink or swear. It just is. Let it go. Does it really bother you that much? Why are people here so agressive about their beliefs? No wonder there are wars, when people are this adament about tiny little things that really have no value on the whole. Gah! "Life of the mind"... bah! Where are the nice people? Why am I the one to get elbowed in the eye getting on the bus?
Hmm... I have really not been in a writing mood lately. I'm sure that's pretty obvious, since I haven't been putting up more than one entry a day anymore. I don't know... my motivation is mostly gone. I feel like in everything I'm doing, I'm putting a whole lot in and not getting much back out. In Hum no matter what I write I get the same grade. No matter how poorly I do in calc, I'm within the top 25% of the class. It sucks. It's like some kind of negative exponential function, but it's in my nature that when things start going bad, I push harder. And here, it seems like when I try harder, I only end up frustrated and do even worse. I need time to just pull back and look things over, and sort them out. But I won't even get a chance for that until this summer. And more than likely I'll be working nearly 40 hours a week again (naturally for minimum wage) so I can cover the cost of being here again next year. And I keep asking myself "Is it worth it?" and the horrible part is, I don't know. I don't know if it's worth it to stick with the high jump. I don't know if it's worth it to try harder in Hum. I don't know if it's worth it to study any extra for calc. I don't know if it's worth starting my Bio paper early. I don't... I don't know if it's even worth it to be here, spending all this money when I don't even know what I'm going to do with my life. Nothing I could do with my life with a college education really seems worth it, actually. And I don't know if that's just because I'm depressed and frustrated and lost, or what. It's such a stupid, horrible feeling. I don't want it to be there anymore. I just want to know.
I had an absolutely horrible track practice today. After last weekend everything has just been thrown off completely, and I haven't even been able to make myself jump over the bar anymore, which is freakin' frustrating. It got to the point today that my coach just gave me an ultimatum... either I get my head back into it and start jumping again, or I'm going to be switched to long/triple jump. Under normal circumstances, this would be great. But with my shins like they are, it would be the worst idea ever, and I'd probably end up in the same predicament. The real problem being, I don't know how to make myself jump, because I don't know what's stopping me. I really don't want to have to leave the high jump, because my teammates are such great people... and the horizontal jumpers have to always train with the sprinters, which would tear me to shreds because I don't have the endurance or the speed, and our sprints coach has a habit of running people until they get stress fractures. Last thing in the world I want right now. Well... I might want the plague a little bit less, but not a whole lot.
Something really needs to be done about my feelings about people here. Every day I seem to just get more and more frustrated with them, and I can't justify it at all. They just seem to annoy me more. I don't know why. There are so many little tiny things that just grate my nerves. It makes me want to live someplace else alone for a week. This has nothing to do with my roomie, because she's just as good as ever, but this room more often than not has at least five people in it, usually arguing loudly about some ridiculous mundane intellectual point that they really don't know anything about. It's just silly, and sometimes I'm just sick of hearing it, I guess. I mean, today the Sick Asian was arguing about how they named the battles of the Civil War, after he had made it pretty clear that he knew very little about the Civil War. I am so sick of people trying to sound smart. Be smart, goshdarnit, and just let it be. You don't have to constantly prove yourself to everyone, do you? Nor do you have to justify to everyone on a weekly basis why you don't drink or swear. It just is. Let it go. Does it really bother you that much? Why are people here so agressive about their beliefs? No wonder there are wars, when people are this adament about tiny little things that really have no value on the whole. Gah! "Life of the mind"... bah! Where are the nice people? Why am I the one to get elbowed in the eye getting on the bus?
Hmm... I have really not been in a writing mood lately. I'm sure that's pretty obvious, since I haven't been putting up more than one entry a day anymore. I don't know... my motivation is mostly gone. I feel like in everything I'm doing, I'm putting a whole lot in and not getting much back out. In Hum no matter what I write I get the same grade. No matter how poorly I do in calc, I'm within the top 25% of the class. It sucks. It's like some kind of negative exponential function, but it's in my nature that when things start going bad, I push harder. And here, it seems like when I try harder, I only end up frustrated and do even worse. I need time to just pull back and look things over, and sort them out. But I won't even get a chance for that until this summer. And more than likely I'll be working nearly 40 hours a week again (naturally for minimum wage) so I can cover the cost of being here again next year. And I keep asking myself "Is it worth it?" and the horrible part is, I don't know. I don't know if it's worth it to stick with the high jump. I don't know if it's worth it to try harder in Hum. I don't know if it's worth it to study any extra for calc. I don't know if it's worth starting my Bio paper early. I don't... I don't know if it's even worth it to be here, spending all this money when I don't even know what I'm going to do with my life. Nothing I could do with my life with a college education really seems worth it, actually. And I don't know if that's just because I'm depressed and frustrated and lost, or what. It's such a stupid, horrible feeling. I don't want it to be there anymore. I just want to know.
