Today was awful. Admit it. I spent most of the afternoon at work trying not to cry, mostly because things have sort of reached a point where I'm lost and overwhelmed and in general not-well (maybe I'm coming down with something. It's past the time of the month that I'm reasonably allowed to be randomly weepy). Tomorrow, I have to train someone to do my job, and I'm still spending most of my time at work wondering what I've done wrong that no one there trusts me more than 15% of the time. (I was asked yesterday to train people as well, but that was quickly revoked and instead I was inundated today with everyone else's neglected work, and harangued about it not being done right. Needless to say, I expect this to happen tomorrow, too, and I'm more than a bit sick of it.)
Also, my internet went down yesterday and because things always work the way they're intended, my modem also reset itself when I installed Vista SP1 (which, by the way, is 4gigs. Which brings the utter ridiculous corpulence of Vista up to nearly 20gigs. What the heck does an OS need with 20 gigs?) So we've been stuck on pirated wireless, and I had to call to get that fixed today... and couldn't remember the answer to my security question. Why? Because it was "What was the name of your childhood pet?" and my answer is almost always the rational, true answer (with the exception of my BBC registration, which I'm still locked out of because I was being witty when I answered it). Turns out I was being witty with my AT&T registration too, because my answer was the nickname we gave the mysterious noise in the vents. Somehow, thankfully, I'd written this down, but I only got two
chances, and really, I'm not sure what I would've done if I would've gone ahead and named one of my other real pets instead of the mysterious noise in the vents. Thankfully, for the first time in weeks, someone I didn't know actually laughed at my sarcasm about the situation, which managed to cheer me up enough to open my blinds and maybe not be completely antisocial and frakking emo. That's all I need, really, is someone every once in a while to actually laugh
and not go "wow, you really hate your life." (Which I've gotten far more than necessary lately. Mostly from one person.) I don't need to be reminded that life sucks right now, especially in conjunction with finding out that the people who graduated a year before me have loan payments that are about 3 times smaller than mine because my interest rate is a whole three points higher. Because lenders suck and are dumb and mean, and are currently a significant percentage of the reason I have 59% less faith in humanity now than I did three months ago. Also, I am bitter that I can't just slack off and be a barista because my
loan payments, as one of the people in the two years that are utterly screwed, caught in the rate hike but before the loan reductions, I have no choice but to work a salaried job because otherwise I can't afford to support myself. Which makes it completely impossible for me to pursue anything that actually interests me, because office work is pretty much my only choice, unless I go to grad school. Which, thanks to my loan burden, I can't afford. Thanks, whoever had the foresight to allow that. And I am holding someone else responsible, because unless I wanted to go to a state school, I would've been in this situation no matter what. Is it seriously kosher to leave someone stranded in a cube farm typing mindless paperwork all day just because they wanted to go to a good school for undergrad? I mean, I'd know better next time, except even if there was a next time, I wouldn't be able to afford it.
That said, I'm afraid I've ticked deathscytheheck
off, since I've been so distant and useless lately (like, not even doing the dishes useless, and coming back from work and running into my bedroom to hide from the world useless). So this is my random apology, because I probably won't see you before I go to bed tonight. Also, thanks for leaving noodles for me, whenever I get off my butt and go out there to eat them.